Crimson Screens and the most misleading title ever for a horror series, "Masters Of Horror"...
Crimson Screens and the most misleading title ever for a horror series, "Masters Of Horror"...
Ok, before I get started I want to say that Monday morning I am getting surgery to help fix a problem I am having and so all week, I will be bed ridden while I recover. I will review a lot of movies, post a lot of opinions and talk about random stuff during that time. So I am hoping to get at least five updates done during that time. I hope people enjoy it and I hope I recover quickly, as I am not a big fan of sitting in bed all day. I'm a bit nervous about this surgery, but if all goes well, I will be on my way to being a lot healthier when it is all done. So I guess that is worth a little bit of being nervous.
Also, I know a lot of my reviews kind of put down a lot of the movies, but hey, I review what I see and if I see shit, then I report shit. So there!
Anyways, onto todays big review...
The Masters Of Horror series was announced by showtime, as a series of hour long films, all directed my legendary directors in the horror genre. Obviously fans were quite excited, as they did get a lot of directors who have previously made some real great movies. Well, the series was hyped up all real nice and big and then it finally premiered and oh boy, what a mess it was...
Episode 1- Incident On And Off A Mountain Road- directed by Don Coscarelli- about a lady and her boyfriend, there is a car accident and then they meet some creepy old guy and there is a giant killer stalking everyone. It started out pretty good, but by the end, it devolved into a generic cat and mouse game, with a semi twist ending that wasn't shocking or very surprising. Next!
Episode 2- Dreams In The Witch House- directed by Stuart Gordon- a student rents a room in a mysterious house and soon enough, he is questioning his own sanity. A lot of weird shit goes on in this room, and I will admit that some of the scenes are pretty creeoy and there is some good suspsense, but overall, it isn't too exciting at all. Next!
Episode 3- Dance Of The Dead- directed by Tobe Hooper- Oh boy, this was by and far the worst entry in this series, about some weird underground show where corpses are made to dance around on stage. Sound dumb? Well it is! In fact, it's a huge steaming pile of shit and it's poorly acted, directed and shot. If the phrase "I'd rather watch paint dry" was ever going to be used again, now would be a good time. A complete and utter waste of time, money, etc. Next!
Episode 4- Jennifer- directed by Dario Argento- a cop witnesses a woman about to be killed, he saves her, feels bad for her, falls for her and chaos ensues. This one has a lot of gore, including a gross cock biting scene, and a lot of nudity and sex scenes, so that is all there, if that's what you want. The story is completely routine and you can see the twist ending coming waaaaaay before it does. Also, this is about twenty minutes too long, as if he ran out of ideas. Oh well, the actress who plays Jennifer is hot, not counting her face, and we see her naked a lot, but hey, that doesn't cover up the dull nature of this episode. Next!
Episode 5- Chocolate- directed by Mick Garris- I took a six hour nap right before I watched this and somehow I still managed to fall asleep during it. Boring and completely uninteresting. How is Mick Garris a master of horror? If he can be a master of horror, then I want to be one too! Right. Next!
Episode 6- Homecoming- directed by Joe Dante- a political horror piece about what would happen if all the dead soldiers from the war came back and wanted to have a say in what goes on. Good idea. Poorly done. In fact, once the soliders all are back, it kind of slips into silliness. Not good silliness either, like the director is capable of doing, but dumb silliness, like why the fuck am i still watching this silliness. Next!
Episode 7- Deer Woman- directed by John Landis- a cop gets a weird call and he soon finds out that perhaps a mytholigical nature creature is not exactly a myth. I liked this episode alot. It is completely stupid and silly, but in a good way, unlike Homecoming. There are some good jokes and some good gore and its all well acted and directed. It's complete camp, but it's well done. I'll watch it again and then say, Next!
Episode 8- Cigarette Burns- directed by John Carpenter- a movie theatre owner hunts down a movie so bizarre that it alledgedly makes anyone who view it go crazy. Was it called masters of horror? Because 99% of this series has been driving me crazy. This one is kind of good, a little suspense, but it't far from a classis or anything that you would ever want to see again. Also, I thought the ending was a bit of a letdown, considering all the build up.
Episode 9- The Fair Haired Child- directed by William Malone- This guy made some cool movies earlier in his career, but lately he has directed complete crap. I did not see this episode, as I was on vacation when it aired. Next!
Episode 10- Sick Girl- directed by Lucky McKee- this episode is weird, dealing with a girl and her obsessions, and I think it goes good with the directors other work, May. The acting is good, even from the usually horrible Misty Mundae. But this is entertaining and builds up to a decent ending. Props nigga! Next!
Episode 11- Pick Me Up- directed by Larry Cohen- dude has made some classic movies. This isn't one of them, but this is a good entry in this series. It's about someone caught in the battle between two serial killers. It is very well acted and directed. Next!
Episode 12- Haeckel's Tale- directed by John McNaughton- oooooh, the director of Henry, how could this not be good? It also has super cool character actor Jon Polito, so I thought it was going to be great. It wasn't great but it is good. It was based on a Clive Barker short story, and I guess it goes along the lines of the gothic horror of candyman and hellraiser, but it isn't as good as those two. I did like it though. Top 3 place indeed. Next!
Episode 13- Imprint- directed by Takashi Miike- ok, this wasn't even shown on TV because Showtime are pussies and they didn't like some of the stuff in it, but I guess they are run by retards because all you have to do is look at the directors other works, to see that he doesn't usually deal in light subject matter. Whatever. Don't hire someone to do their job and then get all mad and gay when they do it. Showtimes sucks. This episode is by far, the best entry in the series, in my opinion. It is creepy, weird and disturbing. Not the directors best work, but it embarasses all the other entries. It is available on DVD, so see it!
Ok, the master of horror series was a total let down. For people who are apparently masters of their craft, and that is highly debatable looking at some of the names, you think they would have managed more than four good episodes out of thirteen. In fact, some of these were just plain awful and a complete waste of time. Like Tobe Hooper, what the fuck dude? You made The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a classic. Then you made a couple Ok movies, but for the most part your work for the twenty years follwing Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a big pile of garbage. He redeemed himself slighly with the Toolbox Murders remake, but then he ruined with an awful tv movie right after that. But by and far, his worst work ever, is right here in this series. Dude, your episode sucked and I do not see how anyone could have watched that and been like, "Wow man, now there is the work of a legend!" Stuart Gordon is capable of great work too, yet his stuff here is a lot of crap with a few cool parts thrown in for effect. The same goes for most of the other episodes. Since this is supposedly the work of "masters", I find it pretty sad that nothing here, for the most part, is even good much less classic. Next!
Ok, before I get started I want to say that Monday morning I am getting surgery to help fix a problem I am having and so all week, I will be bed ridden while I recover. I will review a lot of movies, post a lot of opinions and talk about random stuff during that time. So I am hoping to get at least five updates done during that time. I hope people enjoy it and I hope I recover quickly, as I am not a big fan of sitting in bed all day. I'm a bit nervous about this surgery, but if all goes well, I will be on my way to being a lot healthier when it is all done. So I guess that is worth a little bit of being nervous.
Also, I know a lot of my reviews kind of put down a lot of the movies, but hey, I review what I see and if I see shit, then I report shit. So there!
Anyways, onto todays big review...
The Masters Of Horror series was announced by showtime, as a series of hour long films, all directed my legendary directors in the horror genre. Obviously fans were quite excited, as they did get a lot of directors who have previously made some real great movies. Well, the series was hyped up all real nice and big and then it finally premiered and oh boy, what a mess it was...
Episode 1- Incident On And Off A Mountain Road- directed by Don Coscarelli- about a lady and her boyfriend, there is a car accident and then they meet some creepy old guy and there is a giant killer stalking everyone. It started out pretty good, but by the end, it devolved into a generic cat and mouse game, with a semi twist ending that wasn't shocking or very surprising. Next!
Episode 2- Dreams In The Witch House- directed by Stuart Gordon- a student rents a room in a mysterious house and soon enough, he is questioning his own sanity. A lot of weird shit goes on in this room, and I will admit that some of the scenes are pretty creeoy and there is some good suspsense, but overall, it isn't too exciting at all. Next!
Episode 3- Dance Of The Dead- directed by Tobe Hooper- Oh boy, this was by and far the worst entry in this series, about some weird underground show where corpses are made to dance around on stage. Sound dumb? Well it is! In fact, it's a huge steaming pile of shit and it's poorly acted, directed and shot. If the phrase "I'd rather watch paint dry" was ever going to be used again, now would be a good time. A complete and utter waste of time, money, etc. Next!
Episode 4- Jennifer- directed by Dario Argento- a cop witnesses a woman about to be killed, he saves her, feels bad for her, falls for her and chaos ensues. This one has a lot of gore, including a gross cock biting scene, and a lot of nudity and sex scenes, so that is all there, if that's what you want. The story is completely routine and you can see the twist ending coming waaaaaay before it does. Also, this is about twenty minutes too long, as if he ran out of ideas. Oh well, the actress who plays Jennifer is hot, not counting her face, and we see her naked a lot, but hey, that doesn't cover up the dull nature of this episode. Next!
Episode 5- Chocolate- directed by Mick Garris- I took a six hour nap right before I watched this and somehow I still managed to fall asleep during it. Boring and completely uninteresting. How is Mick Garris a master of horror? If he can be a master of horror, then I want to be one too! Right. Next!
Episode 6- Homecoming- directed by Joe Dante- a political horror piece about what would happen if all the dead soldiers from the war came back and wanted to have a say in what goes on. Good idea. Poorly done. In fact, once the soliders all are back, it kind of slips into silliness. Not good silliness either, like the director is capable of doing, but dumb silliness, like why the fuck am i still watching this silliness. Next!
Episode 7- Deer Woman- directed by John Landis- a cop gets a weird call and he soon finds out that perhaps a mytholigical nature creature is not exactly a myth. I liked this episode alot. It is completely stupid and silly, but in a good way, unlike Homecoming. There are some good jokes and some good gore and its all well acted and directed. It's complete camp, but it's well done. I'll watch it again and then say, Next!
Episode 8- Cigarette Burns- directed by John Carpenter- a movie theatre owner hunts down a movie so bizarre that it alledgedly makes anyone who view it go crazy. Was it called masters of horror? Because 99% of this series has been driving me crazy. This one is kind of good, a little suspense, but it't far from a classis or anything that you would ever want to see again. Also, I thought the ending was a bit of a letdown, considering all the build up.
Episode 9- The Fair Haired Child- directed by William Malone- This guy made some cool movies earlier in his career, but lately he has directed complete crap. I did not see this episode, as I was on vacation when it aired. Next!
Episode 10- Sick Girl- directed by Lucky McKee- this episode is weird, dealing with a girl and her obsessions, and I think it goes good with the directors other work, May. The acting is good, even from the usually horrible Misty Mundae. But this is entertaining and builds up to a decent ending. Props nigga! Next!
Episode 11- Pick Me Up- directed by Larry Cohen- dude has made some classic movies. This isn't one of them, but this is a good entry in this series. It's about someone caught in the battle between two serial killers. It is very well acted and directed. Next!
Episode 12- Haeckel's Tale- directed by John McNaughton- oooooh, the director of Henry, how could this not be good? It also has super cool character actor Jon Polito, so I thought it was going to be great. It wasn't great but it is good. It was based on a Clive Barker short story, and I guess it goes along the lines of the gothic horror of candyman and hellraiser, but it isn't as good as those two. I did like it though. Top 3 place indeed. Next!
Episode 13- Imprint- directed by Takashi Miike- ok, this wasn't even shown on TV because Showtime are pussies and they didn't like some of the stuff in it, but I guess they are run by retards because all you have to do is look at the directors other works, to see that he doesn't usually deal in light subject matter. Whatever. Don't hire someone to do their job and then get all mad and gay when they do it. Showtimes sucks. This episode is by far, the best entry in the series, in my opinion. It is creepy, weird and disturbing. Not the directors best work, but it embarasses all the other entries. It is available on DVD, so see it!
Ok, the master of horror series was a total let down. For people who are apparently masters of their craft, and that is highly debatable looking at some of the names, you think they would have managed more than four good episodes out of thirteen. In fact, some of these were just plain awful and a complete waste of time. Like Tobe Hooper, what the fuck dude? You made The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a classic. Then you made a couple Ok movies, but for the most part your work for the twenty years follwing Texas Chainsaw Massacre is a big pile of garbage. He redeemed himself slighly with the Toolbox Murders remake, but then he ruined with an awful tv movie right after that. But by and far, his worst work ever, is right here in this series. Dude, your episode sucked and I do not see how anyone could have watched that and been like, "Wow man, now there is the work of a legend!" Stuart Gordon is capable of great work too, yet his stuff here is a lot of crap with a few cool parts thrown in for effect. The same goes for most of the other episodes. Since this is supposedly the work of "masters", I find it pretty sad that nothing here, for the most part, is even good much less classic. Next!
posted by Crimson Screens at 8:54 AM
3 Comments:
I liked a few of the episodes more than you did (Coscarelli's, Gordon's, and Dante's), but overall this has been a pretty mediocre series, no better or worse than an average 'Tales From the Crypt' episode.
You'd really think given the opportunity to do whatever they wanted to with a halfway decent budget and an hour to fill, more of these directors would have risen to the challenge. Instead, most of 'em just played it safe. Still haven't seen Miike's episode, so I still have hopes that one will rock.
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